Bernie Madoff In A Dress: Tits on a Stick Hucksterism of Bethenny Frankel
Bethenny Frankel is a rather interesting character. She is Celebrity Natural Food ‘Chef’ who never worked in the culinary field or a restaurant but does have a certificate from the Natural Gourmet Institute of Culinary Arts in New York City. The New York Times best selling author did, however, invent the margarita or at least the Skinny Girl variety. Bethenny is also a ‘Diet Expert’ who is not a certified nutritionist or dietitian. According to some critics, she has created a fake reality from which to market gimmicks, which either makes her a genius or “Bernie Madoff in a Dress.” In the words of Bethenny herself:
“I’m not a doctor, I’m not a nutritionist, and I’m not a fitness expert. And, most important, I am not in charge of you. But I am a natural foods chef, a dedicated lover of delicious food, and a healthy, thin person.”
Great, I have been to many hospitals, observed medical procedures, have many friends who are doctors, I appreciate their work and am in good medical condition, yet I am pretty sure you don’t want me performing your open heart surgery.
A byproduct of the SAG strike early last decade which led to the the reality series genre is that instead of watching actors practice their craft on creatively conceived but rather expensive to make programming is the emergence of the single-minded reality series entrepreneur who preys on the American consumer. You see paying writers, actors and other production costs is far more expensive than putting fame seeking whores on camera and letting them run wild. It has led to the 24/7 infomercial for ill conceived products of rather limited or inconsequential value to the American consumer, pyramid marketing schemes (e.g, Jill Zarin’s Diet Chocolate), book deals for people who can’t write marketed to folks who can’t read and record deals for women who although attractive and sexy in their own right like Countess LuAnn de Lessps, really have limited perspective to instruct on manners no matter how many Counts they have bedded, even if she sounds like Barry White’s transexual sibling or one of Kelsey Grammer’s cast mates on Broadway.
While I am certainly no Ralph Nader or other consumer advocate, I recognize that these economic times have given rise to rampant hucksterism, represented by ass flashings at book signings and the co-opting of the ideas and brands of others more qualified, knowledgeable but otherwise less well known to wide segments of the general public. But let’s be clear Bethenny is no more of an expert than is Mike ‘the Situation’ Sorrentino. Nevertheless, let’s examine some of Bethenny’s ‘new ideas.’
The Skinny Girl Purge-arita, is a new device in the Skinny Girl Cleansing Series brought to you by Skinny Girl Lifestyle advocate Bethenny Frankel. It is especially useful for those that skipped the Initial Diet Series Book: “Starve” and other crazy fat burning ideas or who consumed far too many Skinny Girl Margarita’s and found themselves as say female on a Reality TV Show married to an allegedly gay man (this rumor was verified as not true by a socialista in NYC who said that “she hit that” meaning Jason Hoppy long before he was a ‘reluctant’ cast member on any reality show and she stated further that if that dude was gay then she needs to be dating and sleeping with more gay men. Hello!).
The Purge-arita is a patented silver spoon that you place half way down your throat that induces all the toxins consumed as part of one’s “Binge” to be released through the front of one’s throat, preferably while your head is bowed or placed comfortably over a sink or toilet. The Purge-arita is another in a long line of worthwhile products brought to by non-nutritionist ‘dietary expert’ and ‘Celebrity Natural Food Chef’, inventor of the patented Skinny Girl Margarita, Bethenny ‘Madoff’ Frankel.
SKINNY GIRL ST. PADDY’S DAY DIET TIPS
So you wanna party but maintain your girlish figure? Celebrity ‘Diet Expert’, ‘Chef’, Andy Cohen’s Frankenstein Monster and girl/clown about town Bethenny has your back.
Bethenny Frankel’s St. Patrick’s Day Diet
Food: Bethenny’s Green Amphetamine Cupcakes &
Beverage: Skinny JAP MarGreenita’s
Note: For traditionalist’s who prefer Corn Beef & Cabbage, simply stroll by your favorite Blarney Stone, ask for a Skinny Girl Margarita and after the bartender and patrons laugh in your face while staring at your Kid Creole & the [Plastic] Coconuts figure, immediately head for the chow line, take in the aromatic wafts of the freshly boiled Irish classic as scents carry few calories. Upon getting your fill of the scents of Ireland, head for the ladies room and pull out your Purge-arita and loose some weight over the sink. You are now ready and safely in a below zero calorie zone tohead to an upscale lounge, have a Skinny Girl JAP MarGreenita.
After a few days or even hours on this diet, rest assured you will, like Bethenny, be able to ramble on nonsensically in fully self absorbed and totally incoherent paragraphs about your ‘Career’ modeled after twin brother from a different mother, Bernie Madoff, before bowing to the porcelain god. The only question is will your rush to the bowel be punim or tuchis first.
Before you know it you will be packaging other people’s ideas (see: Skinny Bitch Diet Series, and F Factor Diet, Natalia Rose and SkinnyintheCity) and marketing them as your own.
But since you won’t really ever be eating, and even if you run out of amphetamines, Ripped Fuel, Hydroxycut or Xendadrine, you will never get that full feeling that folks who are totally full of crap have. And if you do feel groggy, simply take the white powdered form of the Skinny Girl MarGreenita mix, which you can snort or put in your handy crack pipe and smoke it.
So I ask the Craptacular brain behind Bravo programming, How is that for the ‘Mazel of the Week’ Andy?
America will ultimately need a long, slow, painful colonic to remove this accumulated drek from the cultural bankruptcy and narcissism that has impregnated our national dialogue on matters of health and fitness. While the two scenarios referenced above are obviously a tongue in cheek knock on Bethenny’s expertise and dietary plans, the point is that she is not a legitimate, credible or sincere expert in any field, except being a skinny girl with big fake knockers, and folks should consider looking to those more qualified for advice. Ultimately my hope is that more of my fellow citizens will seek out real and genuine experts: nutritionists, dietitians, doctors, health, fitness and wellness experts rather than simply getting their advice from fake ‘Tits on a Stick’ who engages in questionable dietary practices herself.
This woman is a crack head poseur who is not qualified or licensed to be dispensing advice on diet and nutrition to American consumers. She is engaged in a barren hustle, a veritable fraud co-opting the ideas of others for her own personal profit.
USEFUL HEALTH LINKS
-Dr. Oz: Dr. Oz, is an American cardiothoracic surgeon, author, and host and commentator for the syndicated daily television program focusing on medical issues/personal health, The Dr. Oz Show.
-Dr. Fred Vagnini: Heart, Diabetes & Weight Loss
-Dr. Steven Lamm (The Manhattan Vitality Center)
-Natalia Rose: Nutritionist & Cleansing Expert
-Tanya Zuckerbot: Nutritionist, F Factor Diet
-The Nutrition Experts
-Jenna Drew: Gluten Free Lifestyle Coach
-Clarence Bass: The Ripped Lifestyle
-Raw Food Diet
-Annie Apple Seed Project
-Brenda Watson: Digestive Care Expert
-Natalia Rose: Nutritionist & Cleansing Expert
-Natural Healing Today
-WebMD: Natural Colon Cleansing: Is It Necessary?
-New York Wellness Guide
-New Life Expo
-Body, Mind Spirit Guide
-NY Open Center
Fitness Experts (more to come)