London in New York

Just an observation but in this “Post Feminist Sex in the City Era of Female Empowerment, Girl Love and Pseudo Lesbian Chic”……women have become the new frat boys.
The “Sex as Art” phenomenon as much as it may have political and power undertones can’t camoflauge the simple reality that women want more sex with more people outside the context of their monagomous relationships while holding on to the security construct of heterosexual monogamy. Just like the 1980’s Jane Fonda era women who could bring home the bacon…fry it up in the pan…women of the current era also have have a similar paradox or dilemma: how to maintain the current construct and inherent benefits associated with heterosexual monogamy (male servitude and support) while not being committed to sex with one partner or otherwise being labeled a slut, nympho or charlatan?

Female Erotic Networking Events (i.e., the female owned and run erotic event planning businesses such as Onelegupnyc, FlirtNYC, CAKE etc.) are the modern era tupperware party for the adventurous, bored or dissatisfied single, coupled or married female. They provide the perfect forum to network for and engage in extracurricular sex under the guise of female empowerment, choice and art. It’s as if many women have figured out how to circumvent and make an end run around the rules of engagement in committed relationships to get extracurricular sex while not risking or undermining the security construct of heterosexual monogamous relationships. I guess that is easier than simply admitting that they crave another male or female body, a different cock or to sample another females breasts, ass or vagina.

Men have historically had private forums for extracurricular sexual activity or stimulation, short of having an affair, which kept closeted did not threaten to undermine their relationships. Strip clubs, escort services and massage parlors or as my friend refers to them “rub & tug factories” provided an outlet. Most men could safely do this in secrecy or privacy and come home to their wife or girlfriend reinvigorated with their need for greater diversity in sexual stimulation satisfied in a controlled safe fashion without undermining their existing relationships. Many women were often in the dark or chose to turn a blind eye towards this behavior if they assumed it existed. How could they not know? The ads only take up 5 pages in the back of New York Magazine. Perhaps naively some of the sheltered female class prefer to believe that it was a bunch of guys in rain coats or someone else’s boyfriend of husband and not their Ivy educated banker or lawyer working on Wall Street. As if so many average Joe’s can afford to put down the coin necessary for some of these high end courtesans. Not likely.

Men today willingly go along with this artistic charade because of the incidental or fringe benefits associated with being in relationships with women who are sexually empowered, active and experimental as well as willing to bring other women to share their bed with them. Most male partners will not argue with that unless their wives or girlfriends ultimately leave them for another woman or admit that they actually prefer the company of and sex with smooth, supple, hairless, sweetly scented creatures rather than hairy, grotesque masculines beasts which we as men can be….and they leave us or otherwise discard men. The only reason why I think this is not likely to happen is that my sense is that if these women consciously made the choice to be gay or bisexual they would most likely be found chilling with the Lez Sex Mafia after hours in the private home of other gay or truly bisexual women or at Gloss Parties at Meow Mix rather than posing as like Dilletantes at safe venues like Hipster Burly Q Events or a Skin Party or some erotic themed events that has risen to capture the energy of this largely heterosexual phenomenon.

As I posited in another blog column entitled, SEX WITHOUT PENETRATION: Some observations about Girl Love, Hip Bisexuality, Erotic Networking & the Sensual Libertarian Movement in NYC, “……..in the heterosexual community, this whole bi or bi curious with an edge girl thing seems a bit contrived in many cases. Most of those women are not but aside from playing into the male fantasy and titilating their partners or potential partners its also a way to be perceived as hip and open minded about sex. Girl love is frankly….so utterly cool these days……..Further, experimentation does not even get you annointed with the label “bi-sexual.” Some women have told me that they have had sexual relations with gay or truly bisexual women only to be told…honey, you are straight. My question, if you are female is at what point does eating another woman’s pussy, massaging or kissing her breasts etc do you actually become bi curious or bisexual? Inquiring minds want to know. It seems for women, you actually have to work at being considered bisexual.”

From my experiernce, the NYC Networking Phenomenon is pervasive. There is a network for literally anything. From charitable fundraising, career change, professional business connections, dating and romance etc. Some trends are abundantly clear. Each Networking event planning business attempts to capture a a share of the market with varying degrees of success. In fairness, the female owned and run erotic event themed businesses apparently achieve their intended results to a far greater degree than many of the others do.

There is certainly an “artistic and/or “creative” aspect to planning and hosting erotic themed events; from choosing a venue to deciding which people to invite, to the decor of the room and the performers and dancers hired; all to create that perfectly upscale, glamorous, sexy and mysterious vibe to make the events more Eyes Wide Shut than 1960’s Swinger Style—Bob, Carol, Ted & Alice. This is not your fathers oldsmobile or his swing party.

Make no mistake that despite the over intellectualized “Diva Hyperbole” it cannot camoflauge that these events if not swing parties or merely about sex are about networking to meet people otherwise similarly inclined to participate with you and your mate in certain kinds of sexual activity. Perhaps some are not comfortable wity the label “Swinger” or “Sex Party” because they are a tad uncomfortable with the degree of their own promiscuous indulgence. One thing is clear, however, and that is that most in present day urban and suburban life are in fact dissatisfied with the confinement of conventional monogamous relationships. Simply watching a porno or trying a new position may not be enough or as exciting as the alternative possiblilties that these Erotic Networking events offer.

“Erotic Networking” or the brokering of sexual libertarian connections rather “Swinging” is perhaps a label that is a little more accurate and one which these event planners or social artistes cannot argue with. Why networking? Because the purpose of these parties is not always so much flirting or having sex at the party, although in some cases that does happen, regardless of the disclaimers. The objective is to fill a venue or room with people who are similarly inclined and open to a wide variety of erotic play and the sharing of themselves and their partners with others. These parties also assist in weeding out the online pretenders who prefer to play around annonymously Nerve, Lava Life and Craigslist from those who actually want to make real connections with other sexual libertarians.

We may be signing an obituary for this genre of events because “Networks” eventually splinter off into mini networks often cutting out the very broker who made the networking possible in the first instance. People may return or seek out new networks but like any event planning business, whether dating and romance or erotic events, you can only make money off the same people so often before they no longer return or find another forum.

Witness the declining popularity of singles events such as 8 Minute Speed Dating & Lock and Key Singles Parties hosted by Networking Girl. The popularity of and attendance at these events has dropped off somewhat over the last year or so. Why? Many reasons, including the fact that nearly every charitable, social, cultural or networking event in urban life is essentially a “singles” event without the label or stigma associated with “needing” to attend a “singles” event. Further, people grew weary of bumping into the same people over and over at the contrived manner in which people were brought together to meet. In fact, at one point many in the erotic set even attempted to tap into this genre of single event goers for happy hours entitled “Sampler Soiree’s” which were light hearted PG fun. But it must have become clear that these folks while they may attend what they perceive to a sexy psuedo edgy happy hour would not likely be dropping their pants at eat in sex parties any time soon.

Secondly, as evidenced by the opening of Crobar and following the promotion of other nightlife empressarios combinations of strip club, meets burlesque and performance art are now being brought inhouse to many venues nationwide and the little guy, the erotic event planner, may not be cut out entirely and these mega venues would be well advised not to attempt to do so. But the further reality is that after a while sexual libertarians do not always need a broker or at least one individual doing so or have the resources to compete with the deep pockets of venue owners such as Crobar.

On the other hand if I am wrong…than perhaps all these kitzchy bisexual girl love fests will have some un-intended externalities which men may not be so thrilled with. As one of my ex girlfriends confided in me a long while after we dated, “Chris, did it ever occur to you that the reason why I am still not engaged or married is that perhaps I prefer the company of my female friends and am more attracted sexually to the soft scent, smooth silky skin, the contours of and demeanor of women than some hairy assed male? Did it ever occur to you that the reason why men such as yourself who are so clearly in touch with their feminine side is comforting to me is that at times its like hanging out with a girlfriend.” I guess she was right but I was in fact the most masculine of her previously effeminate boyfriends, hence the tension.

Nevertheless, at that moment it was so clear, most of the sex we had was my performing endless hours of oral sex with infrequent penetration. I was the consummate “metrosexual” with her before that label even existed….we went to nail salons…shared pedicures and I event got the proverbial ass, crack and sack wax so that my privates were more smooth and changed my dress code to look more hip and stylish. I essentially turned into a clean, coifed, trendy meets preppy/jappy “Ricky Martin” who always wore Gucci & Prada shoes by the way. I even started making more gay male friends as a result, most of whom hit on me figuring that “the alleged girlfriend” was all a cover…how else could I be dating a jewish girl off an on for nearly 3 years who would not otherwise own up to being my girlfriend and without otherwise being engaged or married? I have to admit those were some very good questions. Although at the time I rationalized it as being a victim of being a tad too “goyish” for my Jewish American Princess despite my love for an inherent bond with Jewish culture.

Our lovemaking was in fact very “lesbionic” as Howard Stern would say. In fact, I even brokered a fantasy which involved my fixing her up for a night of massage and tricks sex with a busty female masseuse friend who volunteered to accomodate my request to serve as a present while I was not present. I should have realized then that her discomfort in embracing who and what she was. Growing up in an Upper Middle Class Jewish family what was expected of her was to get married to a nice Jewish lawyer, doctor or media mogul and not to spend her life as “Kissing Jessica Stein.” Perhaps I was the commitment phobe as much as she as I professed my undying to devotion to her depite her reticence to commit to more than a deeply meaningful friendship with alot of sex. I complained to one of my jewish male friends who said, “….and you have a problem with this…this is every mans goal….at least your jewish woman is still having sex with you….whether or not she likes it…consider yourself blessed…..and its truly a mitzvah that she does not want a commitment.” I even jokingly agreed that if we got married, I would not care if she had a gal pal on the side and occassionally went away on weekend trips to the Hamptons, South Beach or the Berkshires with a female friend or two. What I did not know then is that ……it was my first Lesbian relationship. I was in competition for her affection but more with other women and I felt much..like the woman. My frustration with the non commital aspect of the relationship eventually even turned me into a pestering bitch and a butch one at that… my ass went back to being hairy.

The author is now living in NYC as a Post Metrosexual male and wonders whether this piece should instead be entitled how to piss of every female he knows all at once which is truly not his intent. But I do think I speak for alot of men who are pretty sick and tired of psuedo upper middle class angst offered by Manhattan women who claim that their life is so much like Amy Sohn, Sarah Jessica Parker or Candace Bushnell, in between their mind numbing conversations between trying on pairs of shoes on 57th street street.